when do you stop missing someone.
you are always missing people...life becomes a series of goodbyes and you miss the people.

i've spent most of our relationship missing you because you lived so so far away. but now it is a different missing you because you aren't even here anymore. but you are much more at peace now im sure. it just doesn't change the fact how much people miss you. i think of those closest to you and choke...i can't imagine what it is like for them.
i guess i'll never get over how its not fair.
beautiful.talented.inspiring.
you - a blessing to have in my life.

i also miss my sister. i went to see her at conn because she gets home from finals this week and i'll be gone.
i just don't know...i mean i leave tomorrow. and i desperately don't want to go...it's like im excited, kinda, i just don't know what to expect. i guess im just at a point in my life where i am like...where is home? it feels like its here in nj...but im never here to experience it. even when im at college i am still living on suitcases. and then london, now michigan.
suitcases.

i forgot what half of my wardrobe looks like. my room is a mess because i never am here more than three weeks to clean it. i love my family so much but its like how often do i see them.

i need to stop. because this was my choice. and its a good, important one...

no matter where i am...
i'll always be missing someone.
i guess that's why we have memories...
time as a concept...it really blows me away.

goodbye NJ...see you in august.

well, it is my last day in london. i haven't really had the urge or oppurtunity to write in this during my stay...i mainly wrote in my regular journal. i think i am going to put this thing to rest this summer. no more :-( but i felt i needed a last ode to london...and time to procrastinate packing.

i will miss:
london dramatic academy, straight theatre, my new found friends, mdubs tess tiger, dee, hilary (those especially) but all the teachers, food bazaar, double decker buses, british accents, the international diversity, meeting new people every weekend, danny's wraps, LONDON THEATRE, FLAT DOIS!, access to other european countries at the drop of a hat, strawbs, digestives, sainsbury, nutella, tinsel town milkshakes, walkabout wednesdays, leather lane market, stars and stripes, cider!!! strongbow and others, theme parties, the thames, shakespeare, english countryside, cultural outings with mdubs, beautiful london buildings, the crosswalks that DEMAND that cars stop for you, evian water being the cheap water, hatton garden, this entire program!!!

i will not miss:
THE POUND WHICH EQUALS TWO DOLLARS!!!!!, the tube, food expiring in a hot second, ryanair (well we have a love/hate relationship), the time difference with USA, not being able to easily see/talk to my fam and friends, the dreary ass lack of sunshine weather, rain, OUR GHETTO ASS LAUNDRY MACHINE (which is now not opening and preventing me from doing laundry before i go), our ocean in the refridgerator, pubs that close at 11, kick your ass mondays, lack of good pizza, ice cream being 4 pounds (8 dollars) for a pint!, lack of good television, expensive movies, not being able to watch grey's and lost immediately!

i am so sad to leave, yet so excited to return home to the US.

i truly cannot write down how much this experience has meant to me. it sounds so cliche but i have felt like it has changed me so deeply and opened my eyes to so many new things. i am positive, happy. and i haven't felt that exact feeling for quite some time. i am afraid to go back, but determined to not fall back into the way things were. i think that in life everyone needs a step back from their comfort zone, their natural environment. and now i know what i need, i know more about myself.

i want to see more of the world. i loved traveling. england. barcelona,spain. ireland. florence and rome,italy. i love meeting new people and sharing experiences.

"there's such a lot of world to see...."

<3 london...goodbye and hope to see you again in the near future :-(

today marks the day i have laughed most heartily in ages.
mostly in part due to my new discovery of the show the office, many youtube video viewings, the ridiculousness of flatmates, and chris mueller.

i love london. inspiring, refreshing, a wonderful city.
classes are challenging...i feel like i am learning every minute. trying to savor every moment. which i need to do in life more often.

chris is now reading a bedtime story to me and ericka
winnie the pooh
complete with all the voices :-)

i am in london! insanity. i have been here a little over 2 weeks?...and its definitely felt longer than that haha. it reminds me of college orientation all over again. the first week was rough we were working allll the time. and we still are working all the time. i feel like i haven't seen a lot of london except the walking tours we had in the beginning and seeing plays at various theatres. this past weekend we had presentations of the projects we were working on which was a sonnet project and novel project. so we even had to be there saturday and sunday. i loved doing my sonnet...i felt very personally connected to it and really loved it. it was 56:

Sweet love, renew thy force; be it not said
Thy edge should blunter be than appetite,
Which but to-day by feeding is allay'd,
To-morrow sharpen'd in his former might:
So, love, be thou; although to-day thou fill
Thy hungry eyes even till they wink with fullness,
To-morrow see again, and do not kill
The spirit of love with a perpetual dullness.
Let this sad interim like the ocean be*
Which parts the shore, where two contracted new
Come daily to the banks, that, when they see
Return of love, more blest may be the view;
Else call it winter, which being full of care
Makes summer's welcome thrice more wish'd, more rare.

that picture of me at the window was me going over that ish before we did them! i didn't know chris took that picture haha.
but the novel project was SO hard. we worked in a group, put together a scene from a novel we read, could not omit any words and divide the dialouge evenly among people. and since it was narrative it was hard to make even and interesting! but it turned out well...

today i had dramatic literature, intro to shakespeare, physical theatre and group singin project. the lady who teaches group singing? cracked out. she is insane. i love her tho haha. tomorrow - theatre history, acting...thursday speech, individual alexander and acting tutorial, and dialects.

im so excited! i love it here. this is what i want to be doing. focusing on drama, i love it so much! and we have seen a contemporary version of swan lake, plays, a british pantomime (which is actually a children's musical), so many different things that i love watching and evaluating!

i am getting so close to the cua people who are here and i love getting to know the new people i met. my roomate ericka is awesome, she looks like she straight up stepped out of an urban outfitters catalouge, so stylish and fun. i love diandra and rachel my flatmates, and of course brit and sarah from cua. sarah is getting ready to go on a date now with some british guy, its so cute. i miss getting dressed up and going on dates!!!
its definitely been an experience tho, i have had some weirdness adjusting. its kinda gloomy and you definitely NOTICE when the sun is out. haha. there are times where i really don't feel like myself which is strange and new to me. sometimes i feel so tired or antisocial. haha. and not to mention im alwaaays hungry (bad combo for megan haha) but i think i just need some time. im usually one to adapt easier but this is an entirely new country. cooking has been going well! aside from the fact you can only buy small amounts of food at a time so i constantly end up going to the grocery store.

last weekend me brit and jo went to hyde park, buckingham palace, and oxford street. i want to see more of london! its just hard to find time! im sure it will be easier when the program slows down a bit...

we planned a trip to barcelona, spain in february when we have our first break! SO excited!

it is soooo expensive here. everything is practically double. a coffee is like 3 dollars, everywhere. even worse at starbucks! hahah, but i think im doing ok with money management so far.

hearing from some summer stocks so far...don't know what will come through, don't know if i want to be too far away! one is in michigan!! we shall see....

but i really LOVE it here. i miss my friends from CUA who aren't here TERRIBLY. and its only the 2nd week :-(

i'll leave you with some pics of our flat which is awesome because its spacious...and a freakin cleaning service comes in once a week! sweeeet!

2007. happy new year! wow. so much has happened this year. and for some reason i always think of years by the start of school years, when in fact '06 goes back to january.
i went to maryland to erin's and celebrated. it was a lot of fun.

now im back and off to london on monday. my parents are drivin me a lil crazy but it could be worse haha. i feel a little overwhelmed but not too bad yet. just worried about packing and the reading.

yesterday katie, matt s, me and jesse went into the city. then we came back and had a spagetti dinner and katies parents came up. it was sooo fun. im going to miss them so much. jesse and i saw apple tree on tuesday, brian d'arcy james, kristen chenoweth and marc kudisch. i have never seen them perform live before except kristen so it was cool to match the voice on the cd to a performance haha.

so here is my new years resolution in the form of quotes by two wise people.... this what i strive for:

"promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you! "
-christian d. larson

"to laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. this is to have succeeded!"
- ralph waldo emerson

there ya go.
2006...full of a lot of wonderful things: driving to and from school, getting paid to work at an equity theatre for the first time, performing at a DC one for the first time, cousin laura's wedding, living in DC on my own for the summer, cooking my own food (sometimes not too well haha), being in an opera for the first time, getting closer to people and really understanding them, working at the law school, sending my sister off to college, directing and choreographing for the first time, junior recital, pumpkin patches and halloween parties, first drag queen show, accepting things that took awhile to accept, learning more...amazing friends. family. wonderful year.

and now. london to study drama overseas. i can't wait. anxious, excited, scared, curious...its almost like going to college again haha new roomate new place new people. but still the comfort of my 13 cuaers.

well, happy 2007. hope its another good one for everyone!

my mom has gone on this crazy obsession path of destruction with cleaning out my entire room. now you would think that this isn't that serious...but when you haven't spent more than 2 weeks at home since over a year ago IT IS. because of signature i wasn't really able to come home for my full breaks....and i spent my summer in DC. so my room is a hot mess.

its a conglomeration of stuff from middle school, high school, and now.

its so weird because i was going through these jewelry boxes and i found a million little angels. pins, necklaces...all kinds of angels. it was when my aunt and grandma died...that year was a hard year for me and i was only 10 or so. but i developed an obsession with collecting angels. it was weird finding them.

it was kinda fun looking back on old notes from people and pictures.

however...my mom is driving me insane.
when im home i get in this lazy mood and cleaning my room is absolutely the last thing i want to do.
not to mention i have A MILLION books to read for london. seriously, i don't know how im going to finish it all. two novels, 11 or something plays, introduction to sonnets, 2 books that lord knows the size of because i ordered them from amazon and they haven't come yet....but they sound like textbooks. im scared.

ahhhh! excited...but worried...

christmas was wonderful. i love my family...and more and more i realize that is all that matters. your family and friends.
....even though at this VERY moment my mother is driving me crazy. but i am just sitting here laughing....
AHHHHHHHHH

this semester i seriously wrote three times in this thing. which goes to show how much time i actually had to sit down and write.

looking back on this semester is insane. i think it is the semester of college i have learned the most in...i have been in this weird nostalgic mood for the past couple of weeks so throughout reading this you may just have to deal with that...

im home now. i love it. i have finally happily accepted that it is not the same home i knew. and im ok with that. i have my mom, dad, colleen. my friends that visit from school who come into the city and we hang out. muffin is getting old and it is pretty much the saddest thing in the world. she can't jump up on my bed anymore, you have to lift her. and her face is getting grey. but she is so much more cuddly and mellow. im just scared for my mom....that dog is seriously her child. they hang out all day when my dad is at work and me and colleen are at school.

i don't think i ever wrote it in here, but i will be studying abroad in london next semester! london dramatic academy. it was the weirdest thing packing up my room as katie's side is completely the same. i mean since i stayed there this summer i am used to just staying a few months, packing up and going. but since my best friends are staying there and im not....its weird. erin, katie, olivia, jesse, jamie, greg, nic, dan....so many of my closest friends are staying....im going to miss them terribly.

i am also incredibly excited. it won't hit me until i am there. today my dad had a conference in nyc and was at drama books buying me my required reading (which is a LOT!) ill be spending a lot of my break with shakespeare and british playrights. which is ok by me ;-)

my recital happened and felt a little bit unreal. you work so hard for it and its over in the blink of an eye. i think if it weren't for my friends i would probably not have been pleased with how it went...but of course that is me being crazy. i really need to learn to be satisfied with things: things can ALWAYS be better but i need to stop striving for perfection. it was fun and in the end turned out different than i expected but im pleased. i think it conveyed an important message for where im at in my life right now - people may have gotten it or not, but it was there.

the most emotional though, was watching my friends' recitals. im just so proud of everyone. and we are all so different, as people and performers and it totally comes through in the recitals. and its interesting to watch the people i am really close to because you know why they chose certain things, or have talked about it with them, or experienced things with them and it was just so emotional for me. i love my friends.

leaving this semester is coming at the right time for me. i need it more than anything. but that last week put me in a real weird emotional place. me and katie were crying and saying we don't know how we are going to get through the end of senior year. i just don't want college to end in a weird way - but sometimes can't wait for it to....its a weird paradox. its just these past few years we have built a family, a community. i feel safe and comfortable...like i did here at home. and i hate how that has to change. it took me awhile to accept home changing.

i've learned so much this semester. through the recital process and my work ethic, the pieces i chose and why i chose them, what felt really personal to me. my experiences through directing for the first time, choreographing (a musical) for the first time, going on for my fair lady, and even my classes. my friends and their recitals. my sister going through college and me being able to relate to her almost exactly because of our similar situations. my relationships with friends - some have grown so much.

i feel so comfortable now.

and of course, as always, that has to get shaken up a bit. cuz that is what life is...
meeting new people in london and new experiences. can't freakin wait.

tonight i am going into the city to celebrate katie's 21st birthday and i am going with anne who just turned 21 yesterday! it will be fun...haven't hung out with peeps from home in a long time...

time is seriously....the strangest thing.